Dear Faculty Relations听- One of our colleagues has a knack for rubbing people the wrong way. Their words and actions are harsh, aggressive, and confrontational. They make me and others feel uncomfortable, intimidated, and even fearful for psychological safety. How might I address this to create a better departmental culture? -听 Abused in Boulder

Dear Abused - Abrasive behavior is often a symptom of anxiety over being perceived as incompetent. Your colleague may regard you or others as a possible threat. The last thing you want to do is run away or be confrontational. Recognize that they want to be heard. You can begin by acknowledging their behavior, which says, 鈥淚 see you; I heard what you said.鈥澨� Then ask for a moment before responding, so you can collect your thoughts. When you do respond, suggest you have your conversation in private, where you may be direct.

Abrasive people appear angry. An important guide is: Let It Go. Refuse the gift of anger. Instead of biting the emotional hook, initiate a conversation to understand why your colleague seems intent on intimidating you or your colleagues. Be specific by sharing facts, offering how they connect for you as a story about their behavior, and asking them how they see it. They doubtless will have a different account from yours. When considering their view, it is essential that you:听听

  • Listen
  • Acknowledge and accept their emotions/feelings
  • Express appreciation and respect for their views
  • Start with agreements
  • Call out what they taught you
  • Frame disagreements as a collaborative conversation
  • Express curiosity about their views
  • Control your tone and body language
  • Focus on the future

Responding to an abrasive communicator requires empathy. Be curious about why the person acts this way. Are they reflecting a need to control? Insecurity? Fear? Pain鈥攑hysical or psychological? Allaying these underlying concerns can reduce perceptions of you as a threat.

Written by Jerry Hauser, Faculty Ombuds, Arts & Science Professor Emeritus of Distinction in Rhetoric, July 2023