What to do if you think someone is experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner abuse
People who are experiencing domestic violence, also known as intimate partner abuse, may feel trapped in toxic or abusive situations. There are many types of intimate partner abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional, technological and financial.
Warning signs of domestic violence
If someone you know is experiencing abusive behaviors within their relationship, they may:
- Seem afraid of their partner or anxious to please them
- Agree with everything their partner says
- Report to their partner about where they are, what they鈥檙e doing or who they鈥檙e with
- Talk about their partner鈥檚 temper or jealousy
- Have frequent injuries or 鈥渁ccidents鈥
- Frequently miss work, school or social occasions without a clear reason
- Wear clothing that does not fit the season, such as long sleeves in summer to cover bruises or marks
- Experience personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who used to be confident, or new depression or anxiety
- Suddenly or slowly pull away from close relationships with friends and family or cherished hobbies
- Seek their partner鈥檚 approval for activities, friendships, purchases or plans
How to help if you suspect someone is being abused
Sometimes a friend or family member noticing that something is off is the first step to getting help. However, people experiencing intimate partner abuse may not respond the way we expect due to their background, identity, personality or the nature of their relationship and what is happening within it. Survivors range from being frightened for their life to not believing there is a problem at all. If you choose to address your concerns, remember the following:
- Make sure it鈥檚 safe to talk. Choose a time and place that is safe and confidential to talk. Be specific about what is concerning you. For example, 鈥淚 am wondering if someone may be hurting you鈥 can be more helpful in starting a conversation than something more generic like, 鈥淚s everything okay?鈥
- Listen carefully and show you care. Take the situation seriously, and refrain from minimizing acts of abuse or blaming them for the abuse they鈥檝e endured. Remember that it can be difficult for people to recognize and leave abusive situations.
- Don鈥檛 label their experience. If someone describes a situation that sounds like abuse to you, but they don鈥檛 use the word 鈥渁buse鈥, refrain from labeling it as such. Instead, mirror their language.
- Let them know you support them. Encourage them to build a support network by talking to friends, family members, a support group, hotline or a confidential advocate on campus. People experiencing intimate partner abuse are often socially isolated due to the dynamics of their relationships and COVID-19 regulations.
- Offer help. Sometimes survivors may choose to stay with their abuser for a number of reasons. Avoid telling them what to do, judging them or pressuring them to leave. Instead, offer to help them in whatever way they need or want, and respect their choices. Remember that you can always refer them to confidential resources for support and information.
- Keep them safe. If you are worried about talking openly and safely about what is happening, it can be helpful to come up with a code word. If things escalate or the person is in danger, they can text or call you and say something like, 鈥淲e鈥檙e having CORN for dinner tonight.鈥 Code words can help clue someone in and get them to call for help or carry out a safety plan without alerting the abuser.
- Support yourself. Caring for someone who is experiencing relationship abuse can be a lot to carry. If you are helping someone with an abusive partner, there are resources available for you, whether you鈥檙e a friend, family member or peer.
Domestic violence resources
Remember that help is always available, even in a pandemic. The following resources are available to students, staff and faculty experiencing domestic violence/intimate partner abuse.
- provides free and confidential information, consultation, support, advocacy and short term counseling services to all students, faculty and staff who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic, disturbing or life-disrupting event, including intimate partner abuse. Call 303-492-8855 to connect with an OVA advocate counselor.
- The Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC) helps implement and enforce university policies around sexual misconduct, intimate partner abuse and stalking, among other unwelcome behaviors. If you or someone you know in the CU community has been impacted, reports can be filed online. Individuals can also report something anonymously to OIEC.
- Don鈥檛 Ignore It is an online resource to explore your options for seeking confidential support, reporting concerns and learning skills for helping others. If something seems off, it probably is 鈥 don鈥檛 ignore it.
- is a local resource with a 24/7 crisis line (303-444-2424) and shelter.
- is a free and confidential service that provides a crisis hotline (1-800-799-7233) and other services to help you create a safety plan, connect with local resources, find support and more.